Parking lot berries, a labor-intensive salad, the world's best job, and more!
(AKA more possum vaginas)
It has been a real gauntlet of a year, and somehow it’s only June? When I was a kid, thinking about what middle age would be like, I figured it was boring as hell. Just the culmination of a bunch of decisions made decades earlier, with a flat expanse of sameness extending until, I dunno, death? Man, kids are dumb. Anyway, three weeks ago I completely upended my life. Maybe the thing about middle age is that huge life changes are now goddamned EXHAUSTING. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.
So without further ado…
5 Things I’ve Recently Liked that You Might Also Like:
Okay, so. In May, I quit my fancy job writing for a mental health app to become a school crossing guard. What can I say? I’m a corporate ladder-climber. But seriously - my tech job was great, great people, interesting work, but with all the marketing and events I was doing for WHEN FRANNY STANDS UP, plus trying to write a new novel (it’s coming! Fall 2024, probably!), plus, you know, regular life, having a full-time job was just untenable. Well, that’s all well and good, I hear you say, but what about all the necessary things like “money” and “health insurance” that comes with jobs? Well, I’ve been on the hunt for a flexible part-time job with benefits forEVER, and coming up empty. Then, one day, I was taking a walk, and I saw a sign in a schoolyard that said “Are you looking for flexible, part-time work with benefits? Become a school crossing guard!” So I did. And let me say, I have never had a job before where I left work feeling BETTER than when I started. Crossing guards are universally beloved, I had no idea. Anyway, I work 10 hours a week and get great insurance for my partner and me, and I have summers off. Best job ever.
Something about having the summer off is dredging up memories of my misbegotten youth, and suddenly I’m desperate to spend my days lounging around a public pool. Chicago has, you know, a giant lake, so historically, that’s where I gravitated. But this year, it’s all about the loud, grungy, burning-concrete-on-bare-feet Chicago Park District outdoor pools. Though, now that I say that… I’m also not against the idea of sneaking into a fancy hotel pool. My favorite bit about this article is how all you have to do to sneak into the Trump Hotel pool is be an asshole:
Just pretend everyone else is below you. From the moment I hit the valet stand to the time I entered the posh locker room, I held a fake conversation on my cell phone. I rushed past the bellman, inquiring what floor the pool was on, took the elevator up to 14M, sauntered past the two fitness club desk attendants without so much as a “hello,” and finally through the long stretch of windows overlooking the city. The whole charade made me look important enough not to be bothered…
Speaking of summer, this salad punches you in the face with SUMMER. It takes a bit of effort, but it is REALLY good. Samin Nosrat can do no wrong in my book.
I’ve been in quite a reading slump for unknown reasons, but I just blew through The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle, and LOVED it. Unabashedly strange and ambitious, highly highly recommend. (Coincidentally published by my publisher - Sourcebooks Landmark!)
Many Junes ago, I had a new job and was trying to impress my new coworkers. I took a walk around the parking lot and discovered some Juneberry (aka Serviceberry trees) and the berries were ripe! I picked some, washed them, and brought them to my coworkers. One of them took a berry, ate it, and said “where did you get these?” I said: “I picked them off a tree in the parking lot!” He spit out the berry and said, “Parking lot berries?? Can’t you buy fruit at Whole Foods like a regular person?” It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Anyway, it’s Juneberry season (almost) and I’ve found a secret grove of trees that I’m watching and if you’re nice, maybe I’ll share my parking lot berries.
Wow, time flies. It’s already time for:
Bonus Lewd Animal Fact!
Not to obsess over possum vaginas, but I did a little more research, and it turns out I had the design totally wrong! See, I was picturing a duplex of sorts, but there’s just one hole. However, it splits off on the inside, a fork in the road if you will, and leads to two separate uteruses. But here’s the kicker. NEITHER OF THESE TWO VAGINAS ARE USED TO GIVE BIRTH. What?! I know. Instead, she suddenly develops a “pseudo-vaginal canal.” As in… a new vagina literally appears out of nowhere! She gives birth through it! And then it DISAPPEARS right after birth!
Did you know you can review a book on a loathsome billionaire’s website even if you didn’t buy the book from that website? Just a lil unrelated life hack for ya.
Love this! And you're living the artists dream with that grossing guard gig!